I am so glad that I get to walk through life, knowing God. His faithfulness, His love for me, and His nature of goodness and mercy. We can face every day with confidence knowing that He is holds all things together with the word of His power. Knowing that I can lift all of my cares to Him, and He inclines His ear to me. He hears me. My prayers aren’t too much for Him. He is unlimited, so He can hear the prayers of all of His children at once. He is not like us, He is perfect and holy, and it is so sweet to trust in Jesus, living a surrendered life to Him!
Our baby girl Clara Hope was born via c section, on August 14, 2023 at 10:30 pm, at 28 weeks gestation. She was 1 lb, 14 oz. Here is the story of her birth and our NICU stay.
About 5 days before Clara was born, I started noticing that she was not moving as much as she should have been in the womb. I would lay down at night after a busy with with my children, and wonder why she wasn’t moving as much as it seemed like she should have been. Then I would fall asleep and then feel her move the next day, so I would pray for her health, and go on with my day. One night, I woke up at 1 am, and did not feel her moving, again. I wondered, “When was the last time I felt her move?” I was not sure, so I got up and drank a cup of juice. Babies are supposed to move within 5 minutes of drinking juice, so I watched the clock, feeling for movement. She did not move. So I woke up Paul and shared my concerns. We prayed together and felt peaceful to go back to sleep and call our midwife in the morning. The next day, Clara moved again so I figured she was okay. But I still felt uneasy about it and was paying attention to her movement.
At my midwife appointment on Monday, I told my midwife about my concern with her decreased movement. She measured me and I was measuring smaller than we would expect. But my appointment was at a different place than last time and the bed could have made a difference there. Clara’s heartbeat and variability were good at my appointment. My midwife said I could go to the hospital and get an ultrasound, or wait 2 weeks for my next appointment. We decided to wait 2 weeks since I felt her kicking at the appointment.
When we were eating dinner that night, Paul and I prayed about it, and really felt like we should go get her checked out. We texted a friend from church to see if her daughters could come babysit while we got an ultrasound at the hospital. They ended up staying the night which was so nice of them! The next day, after Clara was born, many wonderful ladies from our church took turns babysitting our children at our house. We are so thankful that they were in safe hands!
We prayed on our way down and saw a full double rainbow across the sky, reminding us of God’s faithfulness and love for us.
We got to triage at the U of M, and got hooked up to the monitors. The nurse was extremely kind and gave us excellent care. Within 5 minutes on the monitor, they were concerned because of the lack of variability in her heart rate. The nurse put an IV in my arm in case she had to be born tonight. The room filled up with doctors and nurses and they did an ultrasound. The doctor was so kind and sweet. She was very concerned because I had no fluid. We called my midwife and she talked to the doctor and they agreed that she needed to be born soon.
They got the high risk doctor and she told Paul and I that she needed to be born as soon as possible, as they started having a hard time finding her heart rate on the monitor. (Turns out that the monitor wasn’t catching it but it was still good). I had to sign some documents in agreement with having a c section and received some medication. They weren’t sure if I would be able to be awake for the c section, they might have to knock me out because they weren’t sure about Clara’s heart rate.
Paul was praying the whole time, and I was just trusting the Lord. I knew this was what we had to do, and I was not super surprised by this, as I was concerned for many days with the decrease in movement. I was completely surrendered to God and was not fighting this.
I was shaking with nerves, but also felt very peaceful and joyful about it. The nurse kept offering me Kleenex, so kindly, but I just was peaceful and happy and not crying. Maybe in a bit of shock too. As they rolled me back to the OR, the scripture came to mind, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah”
Psalm 46:1-3 ESV. I memorized this through song and the Lord was so faithful to bring it to my mind and heart!
God truly is my refuge and strength, THEREFORE, I will not fear. I was completely trusting in my God, knowing that He loves me, and He is faithful, and He will take care of me no matter what. There is so much freedom, peace, and joy in simply believing God’s word and choosing to set your mind on Him instead of giving in to worry and fear. That is a choice we have to make continually! We walk by faith not by sight!
Thankfully, they found Clara’s heart rate in the OR, and it was steady. Praise God! Paul did not know this as he was waiting for them to prep me for surgery. He was in another room, on his knees, crying out to the Lord with all of his heart. He didn’t know if baby was going to make it or if he could be there for the birth. I am so thankful to have a husband who seeks the Lord in prayer and loves me and his family so much. He is so heart-felt, sincere, strong, and devoted to me and God.
I received all the medications and epidural, and was ready for surgery. I hate all needles and medication, but I was peacefully receiving everything, and just talking to God through it all. There is a time and place for modern medicine, and this was one situation that we needed it!The nurses and doctors were all so compassionate and made me feel very supported, informed, and cared for.
Paul finally joined me with tears in his eyes, and asked how I was doing. I said I was leaning on the everlasting arms! What a fellowship, what a joy divine, leaning on the everlasting arms! What a fellowship, oh what peace is mine, leaning on the everlasting arms. (These are the words of a hymn). I truly felt safe and secure in the everlasting arms of Almighty God.
We got to praise God and testify about the goodness of our Lord to the doctors and nurses. They got to see God’s complete peace in us and we give all glory to God!! I pray they come to know Him for themselves if they do not know Him yet.
We are not here in this world to live for ourselves and self-preservation, but for Him who loved us and died for us! Every part of my life is for Jesus, and I want all of my days to give glory to Him, because He is so great. I want everyone to know Him! It’s incredibly amazing to walk in the freedom, joy, and peace of Christ, abandoning my selfishness, to testify about the Son of God. This is where true spiritual freedom and life is! In Christ, and in dying to self! We think that holding onto our lives is what’s best for us, but it’s not. God’s ways are best for us. Dying to self is best for us. We get the sweetest fellowship with Jesus and blessing in Him, with self abandonment.
Clara Hope was born at 10:30 pm, and the c section went well. The NICU doctors and nurses took her into the NEST, and put her tiny body in a plastic bag to retain her heat. They intubated her. We didn’t hear her cry at all or see her. They announced to us, “It’s a girl!” I was so surprised! We all thought it was a boy. I was so happy to hear she was doing okay and I have another daughter.
Paul asked is he should go with her or stay with me, and I wanted him to go with her. He prayed over Clara and spoke words of life over her. I have a video the nurse took of Paul, and he is speaking “Clara Hope God made you. You are made in His image, fearfully and wonderfully made. He loves you so much. I love you so much. Jesus bled and died for your sins and rose again from the dead. You are strong and healthy.” I love that the doctors and nurses got to hear the gospel and of the love of Jesus, as Paul was speaking to Clara.
Little Clara, at 1 lb 14 oz, held her daddy’s finger. What a tiny little hand!! Life is a miracle and a blessing. We are so blessed to be her parents and witness her life!
I was shaking like crazy from the medication. They kept offering me more medication to help with that and I kept declining. I can handle the shakes. I went through recovery, then got rolled to my post partum room. I was supposed to sleep, but I was just so shaky, itchy, and sweaty. My body went into detox mode. I stayed up all night scratching my eyes, nose, ears, and my whole body (waist up because I was still numb). I was dripping sweat too. So I stayed up all night itching and wiping sweat off of my face with the washcloth. It sounds miserable and comical, and it was pretty funny. But again, I had really sweet fellowship with Jesus. I prayed all night. I didn’t know how Clara was doing. Paul was in the NICU with her, sleeping. I still didn’t even see her yet.
Around 7am, after a sleepless night, I finally said, “I need to see my baby!” So they rolled me down to her room, and I bawled as I got rolled in! It’s so hard to see your baby so tiny, all hooked up to tons of tubes and machines, in an incubator. She was intubated. I got to touch her tiny toes through a hole in the incubator wall. She was so vulnerable and helpless. It was really hard to believe that this was really happening.
The doctors explained things to me as best they could, as tears rolled down my cheeks. They did a good job but most of it was over my head.
The next few days were a blur of Paul pushing me up to my post partum room, taking pain meds, getting checked by the midwives, and hobbling around.
Paul called my mom the morning after she was born, and within the hour, my sweet mom was on her way downstate, solo, from up north (Michigan), which is a 9 hour journey. She stayed at our house for 4 days with our other children, while Paul and I were at the hospital. This was a tremendous blessing!
Paul’s benefits for work included 3 months off for paternity leave. We thank God for this, as he got to stay home with the children every day when I went to the hospital.
We were so blessed to receive so many meals from the body of Christ, many donations, and gifts. So many people were praying for us. We really felt the strength of those prayers, and I don’t know how we would have done without them!
I finally got to hold Clara on her third day of life. She was able to get on the CPAP. We were in a whirlwind of medicine, doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals. We knew this would be a long road. The first few weeks of her life were bumpy. Paul drove me down to the hospital every day and I wheeled myself up to Clara’s room. I definitely didn’t want to slow my recovery so I utilized wheelchairs until I was confident to walk farther again.
I did skin to skin every day for 9 weeks with her, for about 3-4 hours a day. There were feeding tubes, oxygen, lots of exams and tests, and I learned a lot about the NICU world! We had many questions that the doctors were gracious to answer. She had a schedule for feeds, and care, but most of the time, they wanted her quiet in the incubator, or skin to skin on me.
It was hard to think about how long it would be before we could take her home. It felt like a very long time away. They said to expect around her due date, which was 12 weeks after she was born.
It helped me a lot to have goals every day. I decided I would read at least one chapter of the Bible out loud to Clara, and journal one page of prayers. This was a good anchor for me. I kept taking my thoughts captive to Jesus Christ and His word, and the joy of the Lord was my strength! I read 1 Peter a lot and clung to the promises of God. I prayed through every procedure and test. The car rides were long and the traffic was bad sometimes but I utilized this time to pray and worship, and it was very blessed. God answered so many of these prayers so beautifully! I loved when Paul would pick me up with worship music blaring with the windows open. We just worshipped God Almighty, and He gave us His presence and His peace in return! Fixing our eyes on Him was how we got through with contentment and peace. The things of earth grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace!
I also read Nancy Campbell, Sally Clarkson, and other life giving motherhood books that get me excited about the abundant life in Christ, and the amazing role I have as a mother. Here are some books that really fire me up.
I was able to witness to many nurses, telling them how Jesus is alive and my hope is fully in Him, not in our health outcomes. We surely wanted our sweet girl to be healthy. We want her to live and thrive! But even when she’s hooked up to antibiotics, has to lay most of the day in her incubator without me, is on oxygen and a feeding tube down her nose, and facing potential health difficulties from being born so early, we praise God! Because it is finished. Jesus has completed the work of our salvation on the cross, rose again, and is alive forever more. That is our security and hope. We cannot be shaken.
I would look out the window in the NICU, and know, God is perfect. He is glorious. He is majestic, eternal, all-powerful, true, wise, gracious, unchanging, kind, and loving. It was awesome to take the time to just gaze upon His beauty.
I’m so glad that by God’s enabling grace, we were able to serve the Lord with gladness in the NICU. It was a very blessed time of seeking Jesus whole heartedly every day. Clinging to the cross, and experiencing the joy of His presence. As one of the apostles said, “Where else would we go? You have the words of eternal life?” It’s never a good thing to stray from Jesus. There’s no where else good to go other than to Him!
During Clara’s 9 week NICU stay, (and still today,) I really was diligent about my health. I knew that I needed all the energy I could get. I knew I had to be doing well mentally, and be strong, otherwise my whole family would suffer, and it would be a brutal experience for me as well.
Here are some things I did that helped me a lot.
I sleep 8-9 hours a night (some nights I couldn’t sleep so I was up praying, but I slept good most of the time)
I didn’t eat very much sugar. I requested no sweets with post partum meals because I didn’t want that temptation. I know sugar tanks my energy and makes me feel irritable if I have too much.
I had just made a bunch of bone broth before Clara was born, so I was able to drink that. It’s full of collagen and minerals, and is very healing. I had soups as well.
Every day for breakfast I had 3-4 eggs, veggies, and sauerkraut.
Most days I had liver (either raw, frozen in small chunks, or in pill form). This is a huge energy booster and is full of iron and all kinds of vitamins and minerals.
I had a kefir smoothie every day for lunch with beef sticks and veggies.
I drank plenty of water.
I had salt water with lemon every day, for minerals.
I took a lot of supplements.
I got sunshine outside every day, and walked when I was recovered.
I limited social media time, and often left my phone in the car at the hospital.
I had sweet friends to call and chat when I needed a listening ear.
I believe this was very helpful for me physically and mentally. I felt healthy, energetic, and steady. This helped me have a great experience post partum. Depression isn’t something that I have dealt with much my life. So I can’t speak to that very much, but I do believe that physically taking care of your body is super helpful with this.
My in laws came down for a week, and my father in law and husband built a sauna! So that was a fun distraction. They were super helpful and gracious.
I had a few projects going on at home like organizing and taking photos of the kids to frame. Things like this helped me have something to focus on. I couldn’t take Clara out of the NICU, and I missed her so much when I was at home! It was heart wrenching to leave her there every day for 9 weeks but I just had to do it. I got used to it over time. But many days, walking into that hospital was hard. I often had Pslam 23 on my heart, clinging to my good Shepherd. Finding contentment in Jesus. Knowing God is using this for good, and I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I loved the pictures in the NICU hallway of all the tiny babies that grew up to be healthy children and adults. What a blessing to my heart to know that Clara may be just fine like they were.
I met many Christian nurses, and we were able to encourage one another! That was really fun! Some nurses stuck with us for the long haul. It was really nice to get to know them and I felt comfortable leaving Clara with them most of the time.
I was so blessed to have visitors come to the hospital and sit with me some days, and pray. A sister in Christ even drove 9 hours to come see me, which was a very sweet blessing. Fellowship, worship, and prayers with Christians is so special!
Having a premature baby is so different than full term. Everything felt slow and gradual. I couldn’t see her face very much for a while because of her mask with oxygen, and when I did see it, she looked so premature. I finally could start trying to nurse her when she was 6 weeks old. She was able to latch but didn’t actually fully nurse till she was about 18 weeks old (a month and a half past her due date). I felt like I was sharing parenting with the nurses, as I was only with her 4-5 hours a day! But the nurses did a great job with trying to include me in taking care of her, and informing me with how she was doing. They respected my requests.
Praise God that my milk supply stayed up this whole time. I was able to pump on a schedule, and get tons of milk. Clara was only taking about a fifth of what I was pumping, so I had a ton to donate. The Lord used it for good as I was able to give it to my friend’s baby, and provide breast milk for her for 6 months! When I left the hospital, I took 370 ounces of milk home with me from their freezer, and I had basically a whole chest freezer full at my house. It’s pretty awesome to see the abundance of God!
Clara did get a UTI a couple weeks before we left. This was heart wrenching! Her oxygen came down to 20 and she turned blue. They had to hook her up to antibiotics right away, and do all kinds of tests to see what kind of infection it was. This was a very hard time. I felt like I was getting stomped on, and it didn’t feel good. But God got us through! As Jesus said, “Oh ye of little faith!” This was a time that I wasn’t as trusting, and I was hurting really bad. Thankfully we came out of that after a few days and were steady in the Lord again. Praise God that He is so patient with us!
During a procedure when Clara had the UTI, Juliet and I went for a walk on the trails by the hospital. I saw one of my friends who had lost her baby boy this summer. I was able to hug her and cry with her. I bumped into her again later on the trails, and she gave me a cup of communion juice and cracker, that she had found in her pocket. That morning I had just thrown out a couple communion cups from Juliet and Daniel at church, and I was thinking about how much I miss church and communion.) I was brought to tears! God saw the longing of my heart and provided my friend to give that to me! He works in awesome ways! I really needed the encouragement.
Finally after 9 weeks, we got to take our Clara Hope home!! This was a day we longed for so much and it felt amazing to be living it! We thanked God so much and reflected on His faithfulness, and how far He brought us. We are so thankful for the nurses that cared so well for her! She was 5lb 2oz. We were excited and nervous to take her home on oxygen and a feeding tube. We had to learn how to get a feeding tube in, and we ended up doing this like 20 times at home as it got pulled out sometimes.
Feeding her at home was a project, and I had to track all of her ounces, how much she took by bottle and how much by tube. I had many different appointments, so we were busy, but so thankful! Her oxygen tubing was a tripping hazard but we were just so grateful to have her home! Eventually she was able to get off of the oxygen and feeding tube. How amazing to have a baby free from tubing!! It’s a whole new level of appreciation.
Now she is 4 months past her due date, and is thriving! She has big chubby rolls on her legs, and you can be confident that I am squishing that chub every day! She smiles so big, is very strong with tummy time, and is gaining weight appropriately. We adore her and are beyond blessed to be her parents!
Some day I believe God will show me all that He did through our NICU stay. I hope and pray someone or many people got saved through it. I hope many were encouraged and built up in Christ. I hope many saw God’s goodness in this dark world. May He receive all the glory, honor, and praise!
Clara Hope’s name means, “bright hope,” “famous hope,” and “clear hope. We have such secure, bright, clear hope in Jesus! We are praying for our Clara to live for Jesus, and that His name would be made famous through her life.
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