Our love story

God has done so much for Paul and I that I just want to share with everyone.

Our relationship started in 2011. I was 19. It started with me creeping on him on Facebook. Yes, I am a millennial. We were both coming out of long relationships that didn’t work out. I just really started liking Paul. I really liked him before we even talked. One day, I just seriously wanted to talk to him so bad. I cleaned my whole room to distract myself. Around 11pm, I could not handle not talking to him any more.

I texted a few people to get his number. Then I prank called him, using *67. From my college bedroom. I literally just called and just listened to his voice and didn’t say anything. Haha so creepy now that I am writing this!! I hung up then called again. I called like 4 times and did end up talking a bit. I asked who he likes. And he asked who I was, guessing all of my friends but he didn’t guess me. He asked where I was from and I said from the moon. He said he likes me and wants to meet at Citco in Hancock. That was right down the road from me. That was way too scary so I hung up and went to bed. Haha crazy start to our story.

I woke up in the morning with regret, thinking “Amanda what is wrong with you!?!? Why would you do that???” So mortifying.

A few days later, he found out that I asked for his number. He messaged me on Fb and asked if I called him a few nights ago. I was appalled. I said no, but my friends took my phone and did that. I lied. He believed me and said wow you have some sly friends!

About a month later, I texted him and asked for a ride downstate. I was definitely bold. I just really liked him and I had a feeling that he would like me too. He didn’t have room in his car.

We ended up texting again and we both admitted that we liked each other a lot. We talked on the phone for the first time for 4 hours! I was freaking out. We were head over heels crazy about each other right off the bat and the second time we talked, he joked about asking my dad to marry me. He joked about getting me a ring. Pretty funny looking back at this time.

For the first week that we talked, I could barely eat and I could not stop smiling. I was so jittery.

I truly could not believe that Paul was a real person and that he actually liked me. I was definitely on cloud 9, for real, for at least a year.

We went on our first date two weeks after we started talking. (I was living up north, he was living downstate.) To a Tigers game. It was so much fun and we both were crazy about each other. We said I love you on the second date. I could have married him that weekend. I just wanted him forever.

We texted constantly all summer and saw each other as much as we could. It was really fun to be so in love! He made me laugh so much and I could not believe how handsome he was. We thought about each other constantly.

I remember telling Paul, “You make me believe in God. Only He could make someone as amazing as you and give you to me!”

I did not have very high self esteem or confidence before. I truly believed that I would have to settle and would not be able to marry someone who I truly loved because they would not love me. I really never dreamed that someone like Paul existed and that he would actually love me.

Being raised in the FALC, I was taught that we were the only Christians, and I had to marry someone in the church. It is often spoken of how dangerous it is to even consider dating someone outside of the church. I really had no desire for someone from “the world” (aka outside of FALC). I was committed to going to FALC my entire life and the thought never entered my mind to leave or even consider dating someone outside of it.

Paul got converted to FALC in high school. So he was legit for me! I actually was really attracted to the fact that he was not raised there. He has a different last name. And his family is not from there. They have a completely different culture in their family than what I was used to and I loved it! It felt like a taste of freedom without actually leaving the FALC.

Paul was my idol of the time. I was obsessed with him and I loved it. I actually wrote him in a card “you saved me.” And “you are perfect.” These are statements that should be directed towards Jesus alone. I was worshipping him. He consumed all of my thoughts and devotion.

I was not saved, and did not have the power of the Holy Spirit in me. I did not have a hatred of sin. I actually loved my sin. I loved how everything was going with Paul, although we were living in sin. I did not know what sexual immorality meant. I thought it was just the act that can make you get pregnant. I did not know that it includes all sexual actions. I really didn’t know that what I was doing was sin, but I just followed the lusts and impulses of my flesh.

I never really had a talk about the importance of purity and saving yourself for marriage. I didn’t know that there’s all these other things people do when dating. I was pretty sheltered and clueless. I thought that a lot of sinful things were all fine to do because that’s what my friends were doing. We talked with each other about what was fine to do while dating. We were very liberal… basically everything besides intercourse was fine and actually celebrated and laughed about. I never heard it mentioned that this is sin.

I never prayed about my relationship with Paul and sought God about it. I never read my Bible. I never repented of my sin. I felt bad about it and definitely didn’t want people to know, but I didn’t actually turn away from it and ask God to forgive me and help me stop.

This entire time, I was 100% sure I was a Christian. I loved my church. I loved my family. I loved visiting my grandparents talking about the good old days for hours. I followed all the “rules.” I was a “good girl.” I was clean on the outside.

I had not yet heard the true gospel. I never heard that I needed to repent of my sin to Jesus and follow Him. I was not following Jesus. I was following my own heart. The Bible says that I was a child of wrath like the rest of mankind.

The reason I share so much is because I know I was heading straight to hell. Not because of my feelings or my own opinion. But because God’s word directly says this. I do not want anyone to perish under God’s wrath so I have to tell you the truth.

“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: sexual immorality, impurity, indecent behavior, idolatry, witchcraft, hostilities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” - Galatians 5:19-21

The FALC does not preach this. That if you live ungodly like this, you will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Instead, they say that they ARE the Kingdom of God, and if you go there, and believe your sins forgiven, you are a child of God going to heaven. They never talk about how you actually live, and if you actually follow Jesus for the glory of God. They would consider this self righteous and “working for your salvation.” What they are missing is that when you are saved, you are enabled by the Holy Spirit (not on our own strength) to live a life pleasing to the Lord, and we are commanded to do so.

“They profess to know God, but by their deeds they deny Him, being detestable and disobedient and worthless for any good deed.” - Titus 1:16

This sermon details how you can claim to know God yet deny Him by how you live. https://soundcloud.com/user-477237486/denial-by-deeds-jude-titus-9232018

The scary thing is that I loved gospel hymns, was confident I was going to heaven when I died, and was told every Sunday that I was a Christian. I didn’t doubt that. But I was denying Jesus by my deeds (how I lived). Oh, how I wish that someone had taken me aside and told me the truth. If I heard and repented, I would have avoided so much pain and regret and would have known Jesus so much longer.

No one questioned my faith or asked me what I believed about Jesus. I never even received a gospel tract. This should not be so. Christians need to be bold as lions, sharing the gospel, urging people to repent and turn to Christ, or they will burn forever in the lake of fire.

“unless you repent you will all likewise perish.” - Luke 13:5b

I definitely would have heard from Jesus “depart from me, I never knew you.” (Matthew 7). (if I had died before I was saved in 2018) I was religious and devoted to my religion but I did not know Jesus. This is why I am so passionate about sharing about the FALC. It’s very dangerous. You look clean on the outside and think that because you believe your sins are forgiven, you are saved. This is not true. It’s a false gospel. I was deceived by it and was saved and absolutely have to share.

It didn’t take long for Paul and I to be fully doing everything that’s supposed to be saved for marriage. I had no self control. I never asked Jesus to help me. I crossed my own standard, and I felt bad about it.

A bad cycle started with Paul and I. We loved each other so much and were filled with lust. We would go across my line in the sand and I would feel terrible after. (I crossed God’s standard a long time ago) I would be full of shame and guilt. Wondering “how does anyone do this? How do they have self control and I don’t?” I vowed I would never tell anyone what we were doing.

We dated for 3.5 years. Way too long!!! I struggled the entire time with my guilt and shame. We had a lot of good times and lots of love. And a lot of sin.

Finally we got married on November 8, 2014. I was seriously so done with dating for a long time and was so ready to be married. It was way too long to date and I do not recommend that to anyone, if you can avoid it.

I truthfully did not enjoy my wedding weekend all that much. It’s sad to say. I loved spending time with loved ones and seeing friends and family! But I did not enjoy my bachelorette party. I have always felt a little distant from friends. There were definitely a few who were close but I wasn’t really popular. It was awkward to be joking about inappropriate things. (This is very normal in FALC bachelorette parties, completely inappropriate behavior and joking about sexual immorality.)

The best marriage advise was “do it often” and “solve it all between the sheets.”

There was no mention of God or godly marriage. No mention of how to be a godly wife. No mention of how to love your husband well or how to work through disagreements. No mention of prayer or Jesus or God in any way. In notes from friends it was written “always keep your faith most important,” which basically meant keep coming to church.

I actually felt a lot of anxiety about everything. I did not feel peaceful the morning of my wedding. I woke up feeling very anxious. I went for a run first thing in the morning and took a bath. The day went okay getting ready and everything. I so appreciate everything everyone did for me.

To tell the truth though, I felt like a fraud. I remember thinking “if they only knew…”

I remember my mom buttoning up my wedding dress and all I could think was “white resembles purity and I am not pure. I am a fraud.” I went all out and wore a veil over my face walking down the aisle. I wanted everyone to believe that I was pure. I was not. I was dirty and no one knew.

I really love my family and loved seeing everyone at my wedding. I appreciated all the support and the gifts and celebration.

I never doubted getting married to Paul and loved him then, and love him now. But my whole wedding day was tainted. Our wedding night was not the first time, and that made it hard to enjoy. I was a “good girl” and wanted the dream wedding and dream marriage. I wanted to do things right but it was ruined. I would never have what I wanted, and that made me really sad.

I couldn’t talk about it with anyone because of the shame. I was fake and lied to people.

Our honeymoon to Kauai was fun but definitely tainted by sin as well. It was not the dream that I thought it would be. Again I could not admit this to anyone. I had to pretend that everything was amazing.

Our first year of marriage was okay. It was actually really hard. We had some fun times. But I was really struggling mentally with many things. I could not rid of my guilt and shame. I basically concluded that I would never really enjoy sex again. Because I did it before marriage. I couldn’t enjoy it during marriage. I felt guilt and shame every time we did it.

I developed an eating disorder. I also was struggling with insomnia and anxiety. I wanted to be healthy so bad that I was obsessive about what I ate. It affected everything and consumed me. I never could admit this to anyone. Besides Paul. He knew but he couldn’t do anything about it. None of his counseling helped at all. I really didn’t think I would ever be free from this but I am now! Praise God!

I didn’t get pregnant for my first year married and I thought it was punishment for my sin. I had a miscarriage that absolutely broke my heart. I didn’t know how to pray. I didn’t know what to think about it. I didn’t know to read the Bible. I truly had not cracked a Bible open since Sunday school, which we barely even read there. (10 years ago...with the exception of the handful of times I went to Bible class).

Marriage was not what I dreamed it would be. Paul and I were 2 broken people, living in sin and darkness, and no clue how to get out of it. I felt dead inside. Like I knew there was more to life but I didn’t know what that was. I was seeking depth and growth. I needed help. I needed Jesus but I thought I had Him. I was so brainwashed that I had everything I needed in the FALC and the blessing and the community there.

Little did I know that I was missing out on all of life. I thought I had it all. I had nothing. I did not have Jesus and was extremely deceived by liars in the pulpit who I trusted completely.

"Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; the one who comes to Me will not be hungry, and the one who believes in Me will never be thirsty."" - John 6:35

I got into health coaching. I thought “this is IT! I’ve always felt like something was missing in my life. This is it. This is my purpose.”

I had Juliet, which was an amazing blessing to become a mom. I just didn’t want to be a typical FALC mom (sorry if this offends anyone.) but I just didn’t want to live a mediocre life. I felt empty inside and I knew there had to be more to life than dishes, laundry, meals, vacations, and plans with friends.

I dove into coaching, fully devoted to my new pursuit. I got a coach who really led me into the new age more than before. This is a whole post on its own.

My marriage became much less of a priority as I “followed my dreams.” Paul was an after thought. I feel bad that I was so very selfish and basically looked down on him as a clueless guy. I was disrespectful and rude to him. I did not seek his counsel for my pursuits. I just went headlong into whatever I wanted and Paul had to deal with it. He didn’t care all too much what I did besides when our finances were affected.

I neglected my husband and poured my love and energy into Juliet and coaching. I am so thankful that this period in my life was short lived. It was not good. I was getting very prideful and selfish.

I was truly desperate. Desperate for life. I wanted to feel alive and like my life was amazing. I felt so frustrated going to FALC sermons and left feeling so deflated. I felt judged by everyone at church. I knew they were talking about me but no one brought scripture to me to tell me how I was off. It was just gossip and I knew it was happening so it was awkward.

I am so thankful now for all the work God was doing in my life in this time. He was showing me that my life really was empty. He was showing me that the new age wasn’t getting me anywhere good. He was humbling me and stripping idols from me. He was preparing me for leaving FALC by distancing me from my friends. My friends did not support me in health coaching and actually they loved to smoke and drink Mountain Dew so we were very different.

Our marriage was not good. I would manipulate Paul to give me money for coaches. Threatening to take my life if he doesn’t. So sad. It was demonic. I seriously was desperate for healing and hope and I thought that would be in energy work, coaching, and self help. It got me no where good!!

PRAISE THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY for saving me. My testimony blog post explains how I got saved. It was a miracle!!!

Suddenly I knew I had to stop all new age stuff. I threw a ton of books away. I started realizing that God wants me to take care of my husband. To be a godly wife, taking good care of my home and my family.

God changed my heart and my desires. I no longer wanted to grow my health coaching business. I actually had to go and delete everything. I couldn’t even read what I was writing before. I had to just delete. I was not that person anymore. I did not even recognize my old self. I was new in Christ and everything changed.

Paul was happy that I was done with the new age and coaching. I had so much more time for him! But now I was diving into the Bible and listening to sermons and worship music. I have not stopped listening to only worship music since being saved. I could really care less to listen to worldly music. You don't have to make a rule to enforce this. Just the Holy Spirit in me. I really only want to listen to worship music now! It's been 4 years. I have no idea what is popular now.

I went to a different church worship service and cried so much praising the Lord. He truly saved me from so much darkness. Jesus is amazing. He died for my sins. Not because of anything good that I did. I was a dead sinner in complete rebellion to God. Jesus died to pay the full price for my sins. It’s by His amazing grace alone that I am forgiven completely, forever. Justified. Redeemed. Cleansed. Made a child of God. By grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone. The glorious gospel. God can save anyone!

“Your blood has washed away my sin, Jesus thank you! The wrath of God completely satisfied, Jesus thank you. Once your enemy, now I’m seated at your table, Jesus thank you!!!” (Jesus thank you, sovereign grace music)

I started really listening to sermons at FALC (before I pretty much tuned out and thought about anything but Jesus). I was troubled by what I heard. I read the Walter Torala books and knew this was wrong. I felt so much bondage and darkness reading those. The Bible is very different. It’s freeing, convicting, joyful, and life giving. The FALC is suffocating.

I started bringing my Bible to church because I wanted to follow along. I got some funny looks for that. It’s rare to see a Bible in church there.

We had the lead minister over to talk about my concerns. I shared a brief version of my testimony and said that I want to live for Jesus now, and I see a lot of problems in the FALC. So many ladies there watch shows like the bachelor. This is full of sexual immorality and sin. God hates it. Yet it’s celebrated there. And a lot of the ladies there are into yoga, energy work, self help, and more unbiblical things. I shared my concern that people don’t want to talk about Jesus or the Bible. He was very uncomfortable the whole time. I tried to explain Romans 6, that we should not serve sin but serve righteousness. I had never heard this preached at FALC. I was trying to explain that I was a servant to my sin before but now all I want to do it serve Jesus. The conversation did not go well. He did not understand that these people actually need the gospel and he is not preaching correctly. They are stuck in bondage to sin and are just comforted every Sunday that they are Christians.

Paul thought the conversation went good but I thought the opposite. The minister gave us both a blessing before he left, which we did not ask for. That was weird. The blessing there seems to be the blanket over everything. Just ignore all these issues and believe your sins forgiven. This is not right.

I really tried to make it work going to FALC. I didn’t want to leave. Fall services, I went to every service, trying to be devoted to it. One sermon said “some people think that they can repent directly to God. But you can’t. You have to receive the forgiveness of sins from someone from the kingdom of God.” I tried so hard to not shake my head and jump up and leave. This is the OPPOSITE of the truth.

They literally say that you can’t be saved by repenting to God (which is necessary for salvation). This is not Christianity. This is a false religion.

After that I stopped going to FALC. I just could not sit and listen to them twisting scripture and making it all about the blessing and their church when it’s really about Jesus. I tried talking with people about Jesus there but it never went anywhere. It was scary to say his name at that church. Red flag. Christians should rejoice at the name of Jesus and love to talk about Him!

We went through a lot of turmoil with me leaving FALC. I just wanted to be with people who love Jesus, hear true biblical preaching, learn about the Bible, and worship with believers.

I would say I was not very mature spiritually when I left. I gave full vent to my emotions and did not have self control. I was very argumentative. I would read the Bible at home then try to explain it to Paul. He didn’t want to hear it from me. Paul explained more about this in his testimony.

After Paul left with me, our marriage has been 100x better. It’s like night and day difference.

We used to argue all the time. It was normal for me to rip the covers off at 2am, fighting with him while he was trying to sleep.

Since being saved we have not done this. We have disagreements but we don’t scream at each other anymore like we used to. It’s all by God’s grace.

Now most of our interactions are loving. God has reignited our love for each other. And now we love Jesus together, and it is the BEST thing ever. We are devoted to God and each other.

I stand amazed at what God has done.

I used to cringe at the word submit. Now I strive to be submissive to Paul. When I start stepping out of line, I pray and surrender to the Lord again. He helps me repent and submit again.

Paul is growing in leading me. He used to let me do whatever, and he did whatever. Now, he seeks to actually lead our family with purpose, and be a bold man of God. I am extremely blessed by this. God’s design is perfect. Man should be the head of the household and lead with strong, godly conviction. Women should submit and serve, and be strong in serving her husband and children. We are so blessed when we live like this.

“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” - Ephesians 5:22-33

We have learned to serve each other and put each other first. I used to never think of blessing Paul when he comes home from work. Now I try to think of how I can clean the house for him, make him a nice dinner, thank him, encourage him, and be a godly wife to him. I used to complain about how Paul leaves his stuff around, and now I see that I can just serve him and pick it up. I used to nag a lot and lecture Paul all the time. Now when I disagree with him, I try to lovingly share my view and pray instead of lecture.

We are far from perfect but we are growing and seeking the Lord. We confess our sins to each other now. Before we hid our sin and lied to each other. We tell each other everything and make sure there is nothing between us.

Before, we both wanted our own way. So we fought each other to try to get our way.

Now, we both want God’s way. So we surrender to Him, pray, and obey the Lord. Everything is a million times better. We are extremely blessed. God is amazing. We love each other so very much now and trust each other deeply.

My favorite thing about Paul is that he loves the Lord. He seeks to serve and bless his family. His heart is so tender towards God, me and the kids. He gets choked up talking about Jesus and it blesses my heart tremendously. We worship the Lord together daily. We pray and read the Bible together as a family every night. And many nights, Paul and I make a prayer list after the kids go to bed and pray for our families and friends and for everything we can think of. We have to force ourselves to go to sleep because we really could spend all night talking, laughing, and praising God. It's such a great blessing to have a brother in Christ for my husband.

We read the Bible together and share what God is teaching us. There is so richness and depth and truth in the Bible that we love to talk about. We go on dates and love to share Jesus with whoever we come across. We seek to be wholly devoted to God as a family and serve Him for our time here on earth. That is our purpose. Our lives are HIS. Not our own. We were bought with a price.

“For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” - 1 Corinthians 6:20

Marriage was made by God. HE thought of man and woman and sex and babies and everything! It’s all GOOD!!! The enemy has distorted all of it. We need to be saved, and think rightly about life. We need to conform our minds to scripture. When we do this and obey God by His grace, we are BLESSED!!

God has brought so much restoration to our lives. We give all glory to God. He is our good and gracious King.

We have so much fun together again. We joke around lovingly with each other. We have purity in our minds and lives now. We were very broken and dirty before. He has washed us whiter than snow. We enjoy each other on a whole different level now. God’s ways are the absolute BEST!!

Life can be hard. Marriage can be very hard. God is always good and seeks to bring healing and restoration. He seeks to being glory to His name.

It starts with your heart. Repentance of your own sin. Surrendering your life to Christ. Loving like Jesus. Putting others first in humility.

Jesus came to give us life and life abundantly. He has truly done this for us. All that seeking I was doing… Jesus is the answer to all of it. In HIM is life. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.

Life is a million times better with Jesus. Marriage is night and day difference with Jesus. He is perfect. He is mighty. He is wonderful. He is loving. He is glorious. He is so worthy of every ounce of our devotion, honor, and praise! We often say in our house, we love because He first loved us. He has forgiven us all our trespasses and lavished His love and grace so richly on us. With the love and grace that He pours on us, He fills us up to pour love on others, like never before. I did not have this godly love in my heart before. This is all because of Jesus.

I am truly astounded that God chose to give me my husband when I was living in rebellion to Him. He is so kind. I see so much of God’s love and protection in my life even before I was saved. What a good God He is.

I just want everyone to know that no one is too far from God’s grace. There is no sin too great for Him to forgive. There is no marriage too broken for God to heal. There is no one too far gone. I have seen God do so many things that I thought would be impossible before. I never even dared to dream that life could be this good.

I remember telling my dad after I was saved, that I am walking and leaping and praising God. He said, “give it a week and you will be walking normal like a normal person.” Here I am, 4 years later, walking and leaping and praising God!!!

The reason we praise Him is not because life is perfect. We praise Him for who He is. He is always perfect, always good, always amazing and awesome.

We praise Him for what has already been accomplished on the cross!!! Hallelujah!! Jesus DIED FOR ME where I deserve to die!! He rose again and made a way for my sins to be forgiven and for me to have a relationship with God! He made a way for me to get to heaven, through Him!! I get to know my creator, my God, my King, because of Christ!! He has given me His word which tells me of His faithfulness, tender mercy and His love for me.

This is reason to rejoice always. Even when we don’t feel like it. I know life is heartbreaking sometimes. We have walked through many hard things. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” is true every time.

I share this with the prayer that someone reading this would believe the gospel and find life in Christ. Life as a Christian should not be mediocre. Marriage should not be blah, or a constant battle. God is not mediocre. God is glorious and amazing. Marriage and life can be so much better and so different than you have ever known. He makes all things beautiful in His time when we surrender to Him.

I say this because no one told me this. I had no clue that we didn’t need to be fighting like that all the time. I didn’t know that God could heal my brokenness. I didn’t even really know that I was broken. I didn’t know who God was, what sin was, who Jesus was, what the Bible says, what repentance was, what following Jesus means, and how blessed life is with Jesus. I had no clue. I was missing out on all of life, when I thought I was living my best life.

If you didn’t know these things either and you want to know more, I would be more than happy to talk. I truly just want to help people come to know Christ and follow Him faithfully. God is awesome and He can do anything. Reach out any time.